Slowing down to gain momentum.
Back story: a few weeks ago, after Dance of Shiva and journaling on energy or rather, my lack of it, I got the message that I can't expect to work at full speed because I'm still in recovery mode.
Recovery from a number of things that happened over a two-and-a-half-year period that ended 18 months ago.
Been percolating on that. Asking for help from the Kitchen Table because I needed a metaphor for recovery, it didn't seem quite right.
Today I decided to talk directly to this phase, recovery or whatever it is. To go directly to the source.
I did not expect it to be so ponderous and whacked out.
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me: Hey, Phase-that-I'm-in, I wish I had a name for you. Recovering, grieving, refueling, hibernating -- none of those metaphors are quite right.
me: Maybe we can talk about other things than what to call you. What is your mission?
PTII: To take care of you.
To show you how to take care of yourself.
To show you that it's a necessity, not a luxury.
To show you that I'm here and ask you to acknowledge me.
To be your partner.
me: I'm getting kind of emotional hearing this!
me: I feel like everything's breaking down and reordering.
'Let me come into being.'
me: What do you want to say to me?
PTII: Let me come into being.
I'm between dimensions.
I'm here, and yet you don't hear or see me, you're not aware of me.
Let me be fully realized.
me: How do I do that?!
PTII: More of this -- more talking. More acknowledging.
Know that I'm with you all the time in this phase of your life.
I'm a silent partner who wants more say.
Slowing down? How?
me: I know there's a lot that you know that I don't. Can you pick just a few things to tell me about?
PTII: You can only gain momentum by slowing down.
You have to trust me. Things will drop away that are unnecessary.
me: How can I get any slower?! I'm already frustrated by how little I get done. That's how this whole conversation started.
PTII: In noticing. Noticing slows everything down.
me: Can you tell me another thing you know that I don't?
PTII: I know all the things that would help you. You know some of them. Some of them are under your nose -- you can't see them yet.
me: Can you give me a hint?
PTII: Slow down. Notice, notice, notice.
It's not recovery?
me: What can you tell me about recovery?
PTII: It's not recovery.
me: It's not really recovery?! Do I have this all wrong?
PTII: The concept of recovery was a start, it was a gateway to get us here.
me: Recovery isn't the point?
Deep rest. Deep nourishment. Deep study.
PTII: You need to ask yourself, always, what is helpful? What is nourishing? At every step, ask.
This is so important. You need to let me walk with you.
PTII: Think of me as you do Sleep. Anthropomorphized. You speak to Sleep every night. [I do. I'm a weirdo, don't judge!] Speak to me every day.
me: What can I call you?
PTII: You can call me your partner.
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Slowing down to gain momentum. That's a lot to wrap my head around. Next: how I'm experimenting with just that.
I'd love to know if you're having similar -- or different -- conversations. And even though I know it comes from a place of caring, this is trippy and difficult stuff, so I'd rather not have advice right now. xo